Pumpkin Spice Muffins

In a few days, white girls will begin their three month celebration, roughly from mid September until mid December, of their high holidays. Festivities include apple picking, drinking pumpkin spice lattes, and drinking the blood of their enemies, all while wearing Ugg boots and an over sized sweater.

The high holidays are the most important part of the year to white girls such as myself, but I have a confession: I’m not a fan of pumpkin spice lattes. Maybe I’m just not festive enough, a humbug, but they taste more like sugar and artificial flavor than pumpkin.

BUT, I do like to celebrate the season with pumpkin treats, and my all time favorite are these pumpkin muffins. They’re moist, spicy, and (most importantly) super pumpkiny, definitely pumpkiny enough to convince that cute white girl with the high ponytail to be your girlfriend!*

Even if you don’t have your eye on a pretty little lady in Uggs, you can use these to win over the white woman whom you cut in line at Starbucks last week (you are most definitely her enemy after such an incident and most atone for your sins to avoid any unwanted blood loss.) or simply satisfy your inner white woman. Either way, these muffins are a win-win.


Active Time: 10 minutes, Total Time: 30 minutes

Makes 12 Muffins


  • 1 cup pumpkin puree (fresh or from a can)
  • 3/4 cup sugar
  • 1/3 cup oil
  • 3/4 cup unsweetened plant milk
  • 2 tablespoons molasses
  • 1 3/4 flour
  • 1/4 teaspoons salt
  • 1 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
  • 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
  • 1/2 teaspoon ginger
  • 1/4 teaspoon allspice
  • 1/8 teaspoon cloves
  • 1 tablespoon baking powder

Preheat the oven to 375 degrees and line a 12 cup muffin tray.

Combine the pumpkin, sugar, and oil in a large bowl. Once combined, mix in the remainder of the wet ingredients.

Incorporate the flour 1/4-1/2 cup at a time. Then, add spices and baking powder and mix until ingredients are combined.

Fill liners until 3/4 full and place trays in the oven. Lower the temperature to 350 degrees. Bake for 20 minutes.

Remove the muffins from the oven and place them on a cooling rack.

Snuggle up in an over sized sweater and enjoy! 🙂

*This statement has not been scientifically proven and is not approved by the FDA.

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